Hi, my name is Alexandra and I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
I've always found it difficult to connect with doctors and psychiatrists when it comes to expressing how my OCD manifests. You can never make another person feel how you feel. Due to this I feel like I am made to bear hidden scars.At times I have been struggling with my mental health I am often asked to judge the severity of my OCD by doctors, but in reality it's difficult to really express how my head is working out loud, so in the past I have pretended everything is alright.
I did this because I feel like pretending to be ok is easier than trying to explain.Translating your mental illness into words, phrases or even analogies which another may understand is very difficult both mentally and physically especially to those who you do not know.
It really didn't help that the media had created a distorted picture of what an OCD sufferer looked like. The idea that one is either a compulsive cleaner or hoarder is something that is commonly referred to by others when explaining to someone I have OCD.
Because of this it was often seen as a joke to many of my peers who found out about my illness. What's awful is that stereotyping mental illnesses is very common. OCD for example is not about wanting to make everything clean - instead the need to clean is actually a compulsion formed to relieve the anxiety that is caused by severe intrusive thoughts, which take over your life.The power of the media and its effect on one's mental illness is magnificent.
For a long time I felt like I needed to create an image on social media that ticked all the boxes, and fit a character created for me by the pressure of the media. The negative impact this had on my mental health was huge, I felt like I was not good enough in who I was physically and personality wise.
I removed myself from social media for a long time, and now I only use social media to inspire me by following accounts that promote a positive attitude towards mental health and individuality.
A year ago my intrusive thoughts were so bad I couldn't leave my bed without being triggered. I spent at least 12 hours a day going over my intrusive thoughts without thinking about anything else. My OCD took away my ability to be me, it became what defined my life and anything I did said or thought was to make my OCD happy, not me.
Throughout my life most of my compulsions have been internal: asking for reassurance, repeating sayings in my head, even looking at pictures. Whilst I am not comfortable yet to talk about the types of intrusive thoughts I experience(d) what I do want to say is that no matter what your mind may be telling you or how scary it is, telling someone you trust or even writing down your thoughts and feelings relieves a large amount of anxiety.
Whilst I struggle to express how I feel to doctors and others in the medical field because I am scared what they may say, talking to someone who I already know and have a trusting relationship with is a great starting point when opening up. I have begun to draw my emotions, the movement of the pencil translates the complexity of how I feel better than words for me.
Suffering from a mental illness, you feel like there is no way out. It’s not like when you have broken your leg and doctors tell you your leg will take six weeks to repair. For a long time I didn’t see any possibility of recovery. I saw that my OCD was absorbing every aspect of my life: relationships, hobbies, work and sleep. It was very difficult to dream of a happy future. It wasn't until I realised that it was my OCD that was stimulating these thoughts, it controlled everything I did and how I viewed myself and my future.
This only reinforced my anxiety, and I began to become increasingly worried about who I was as a person, and I found it very difficult to love myself knowing that I suffered from a mental illness.
It was my Granny who made me relise how lucky I am. She has always told me that 'everyday is the best day of your life.' Whilst yesterday is in the past and tommorrow is in the future, today is a gift. As a warrior herself, my granny has gone through and faced many mental and physical battles and is a true role model. Finding positives even in the most negative of situations is difficult. I’m still figuring it out.
There are still weeks that I spent absorbed in my mind and the battle that's going on inside. But right now I let myself dream of a future without anxiety, OCD or even depression. Being able to dream not only brings hope to me but lets me see all the amazing things I have already in my life.
Exposing my OCD, and the anxiety created from irrational thoughts to activities that I have stopped myself from doing, but wanted to do has been an amazing step forward. Im currently learning Korean as a second language and I am even learning how to make jewlery from polymer clay.
No matter who you are and what you are going through, dream of a future that brings a smile to your face. I do not know how long my battle with OCD will be but I will no longer let it define who I am and what I do. I cannot wait to grow as a person, and look back at this time of my life and see how strong I was as a person.
